Ok, remember my dilemma with OA?  Well that is NO MORE!!!!!  I LOOOOOOOOVE the Parking Lot.  The Parking Lot is the all night OA phone meeting.  The main problem I had was with the other meetings was that when you share, you couldn’t have cross talk.  And, I could NOT handle that.   If you know me , I loooooooove to talk. And, if you know me, then you know that I love to get other people’s perspective on what I say.  After all….if I was just talking to get it out, then I could talk to myself and heal from it.  And, so far….that has NOT been working.   So, some help would be good.  Anyway, the parking lot has solved all of that!   You can share all you want, no time limit….and there IS cross talk!  Yes ma’am! After my situation with the AA meeting I went to, I talked to them about it and they would not let me retreat and NOT talk about it.  They calmed me down so good.  I don’t know where they came from, but I REFUSE to let them go!!!  If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy….I don’t mind ’cause you mean that much to me!  Ain’t to proud to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg.  I’m sorry, that song just came on me! 

But, it’s crazy, I haven’t been on the line a full week yet, and it feels like home.  It’s just REALLY nice to know that you are not alone in this world!

Now, I’ve got a lil homie named Lester.  And, that’s right…I said it….LIL HOMIE!  (inside joke)  Well, he’s really cool to me because even though he a LOT younger than me, he TRIES to put me in my place.  It doesn’t work, but he tries.  But he says something that’s really got me thinking.  He makes the statement, “Why do you try to control everything?!”  And, he has the nerve to try to say it with some force.  But, it’s been sticking out to me and when I was on my meeting last night, we talked about controlling stuff and how that contradicts the healing.  I instantly thought about him telling me that.  It’s something I have to work on…but if I want the recovery….I’ve GOT to work on it.  And, although it tickles me when he TRIES to put me in my place…..I kinda like it.  But, don’t tell him! 

Until later…

I’m on the phone with Robert today and he just HAD to show me this huh? He knows how I am and now I want one SOOOOO bad!!!

It’s like a mixture of a motocycle and trike….but the trike has the wheels in the back….this one is in the front! I would get on that bad boy RIGHT NOW!!!

Ok, well I have not “officially” joined Overeaters Anonymous. What I mean by officially is that I have not gotten a sponsor.  I don’t know if I want one yet because I have not fully decided if that’s the only thing I want to do.  Well, the meetings are about a 20 minute drive for me.  That’s part of the reason that I have not been to a face-to-face meeting yet.  All of my meetings have been on the phone or online.   Well, on one of the phone meetings that I do everyday…there was a woman that said she used to go to AA meetings instead of OA meetings because there were none in her area.  So, I looked up AA meetings in my area.  There were several.  I went to one Saturday night.  That was a HUGE mistake.   When I got there, I knew it was a mistake, but I tried to face it and stay anyway.  Parts of me are glad that I stayed and parts of me are SO angry with myself and wish I would have gotten up to leave!

When I got there, I knew it was going to be hard.  It was all older men, one younger man and one woman.  Not too long after the beginning of the meeting, the woman got up and left.  That’s when I lost it internally.  Outwardly, I was fine and no one knew the battle going within my head.  The more I listened to them, the more I realized they were just like me.  The only difference is that there drug of choice is alcohol and mine is food.  That’s the part of me that was glad…because I realized that I was SUPPOSED to be there because of the messages I got from them.  Some things they said were totally new to me and I thank them so much for sharing.  It really helped me.

Now, for the other part…..I’m VERY uncomfortable around older men.  So uncomfortable until I was looking for ways to “escape” in case something happened while I was there.  I don’t like to be around them and I don’t even like to look at them.  That’s probably why I mainly date younger men.  But anyway….at around 7 or 8 I was molested by my next door neighbor that was a very much older man…and he was the “neighborhood drunk”.    When I’m around a much older man, it takes me back to that time.  And, Saturday night, I was surrounded by them.  Then, at the end of the meeting, we had to hold hands in a circle and say the Lord’s Prayer.  On one side of me was a man that wasn’t too old and he didn’t bother me.  But the one on my left side was older and when he talked in the meeting, he reminded me SO much of my molester…..and there I stood….holding his hand.  While saying the Lord’s Prayer, I prayed for strength.  Logically I knew that it was not him that molested me….but in my head….I was holding my molester’s hand and it REALLY freaked me out.  I IMMEDIATELY went to the restroom and washed my hands 5 times.  I just wanted to get him “off of me”.   I held my composure until I got in the car.  Once I did…it all came out.  I cried my eyes out.  Not a bad cry….but a cry while praying and begging God to take that feeling from me.  My molester has since died….I’m sorry, but I’m thankful for that.  I know I should not be thankful that someone died, but I still have that.  I pray that God will also take that feeling from me.  I truly have not forgiven him.  I know I need to….but I have not yet.  I will continue to pray for that feeling to be gone too.

Needless to say I will NOT be attending that meeting again and will stick to the phone meetings until I can get to an OA meeting.  Although I take it as God showing me some of the things I still need to work on, it was rough and I still say a HUGE mistake.  Right now, I feel like I should not have gone.  Hopefully, one day I will look back on this and thank God for showing me this….I’m just not there yet.

Until later…

Well, here I sit….I know how to lose weight…I’ve done it before.  I do it every time I put my mind to it.  So, the question becomes….”Why don’t I keep doing it and what makes me put it back on when I stop doing it?”   The answer….”Because I’m dieting!”  It’s been hard to admit to myself….but I’m dieting.  I’ve always said how this was a change of lifestyle and how I need to do it for the long haul.   But, I’ve been dieting….and dieting NEVER works.  I know how to eat.  I know what to eat.  I know that I need to exercise.  I know that I need to be more active other than deliberate exercise….so why is it that I’ve been taking so long to do it?  The reason….I’ve actually been doing right without knowing it.

See, here’s the thing.  All this time that I’ve been doing this site….I’ve been working on the inside without knowing it.  I’ve shared my tips and what I’ve been doing to lose the weight and it does work.  I did Weight Watchers for many years off and on and the truth is….it works.  It does.  But my site has dealt more with the “Why?” of it.  And, therein lies the key!  Without knowing it….I’ve been working on the “Why?” the whole time!  It may have been slower than I thought it should take, but I’ve been working on it.  And, as I look through my old posts, I realize how far I’ve come.  Back in 2003 when I first started this, I was a MESS!!!  I mean a MESS!!!  No one will ever truly know what I used to do and say to myself back then.  Only God and I know.  And, believe me, it’s best that way.  It was bad and the site was in desperation to try to pull myself out of it.  Now, here I sit…..FAR better than I was and FINALLY realizing that in order to TRULY fix it….I have to find out the “Why?” and begin to truly heal it.  It’s hard, but I’m willing.

Think about it…..let’s take Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig.  The are diet clubs…..you pay your money to go to meetings.  One you have to buy their food…the other “suggests” you buy their food…either at the meetings or in the grocery store….either way…they are selling a product…..and they are NOT cheap.  You weigh in before the meeting and you keep a record of the weigh ins.  In the meeting, you talk about different things…but nothing never truly delving into the “Why?” of your weight.  Over time, the meetings are not cheap and the success of keeping it off is not that good.  If it was….why do you have so many people “starting over” so many times?

The “diets”…like Atkins, Zone, South Beach, Mediterranean….or whatever you may choose.  They work.  They all do…..if you follow it.  But, the MINUTE you go off of them….you gain it back…..plus some.  And, to have to tell yourself that you CAN’T eat something?!!!  Are you serious?!!!!!  If you tell me that, it’s just like putting it under a big spotlight, wrapping it in a chocolate bow and putting the words “Eat Me!” on it….oh it’s the first thing I’m going for!

Let’s move on to the weight loss surgeries before I start salivating.  Well, the surgeries work.  You do lose the weight.  But, you can still gain the weight back….and sometimes even more.  Not to mention you have now altered your body.  You still have to watch what you eat and exercise….or you WILL GAIN IT BACK!  You never truly get into the “Why?” of why you are big in the first place.

The ONLY way to lose weight is to eat fewer calories than you are burning.  That’s it….that’s all!  That’s the key to physical weight loss.  That’s all you need to know to lose weight….it’s ALWAYS calories in vs. calories out.  It’s not brain surgery….you don’t need a doctorate to figure it out.  If you eat more than you burn….YOU GAIN WEIGHT.

So, it still remains….Why?  Why do you eat more calories than you are exercising off?  The answer is different for everyone.  It is as unique as our fingerprint.  No “diet” works the same for everyone….your metabolism is different, your body is different, you like different foods….your mindset is different.

In trying to figure out my “Why?”….I came across Overeaters Anonymous.  So far….so good.  But, it’s still new.  It’s a couple of things that I like and dislike about it.  Like sometimes I like that you don’t comment on the person’s share (when they speak about whatever it is they are going through).   Then other times, I’m the type of person that wants the feedback to what I just said….maybe I’m wrong….maybe there’s another way to think about it….maybe there’s something that I didn’t think about and you have the answer for me.  I want that answer.  I love the fact that it’s not just big folks.  They welcome bulimics and anorexics too.  I like the fact that they don’t tell you what to eat.  Being “sober” to them means you simply don’t eat compulsively (in my meaning….binge).  And, you do NOT weigh in!!!  THANK GOD!!!  One quote that I loved was a guy said, “Around here, weight loss is a benefit…but, we work on healing the mind.”  LOVE IT!!!!   But, the jury is still out on OA.  I’m still doing the phone meetings and I’m thinking about going to a face-to-face meeting this week sometime.  I’ll report back how that goes, or if I go or not.  If you know me, you know how compulsive I am.  So, you know OA will NOT be the only thing I’m doing to search for my “Why?”.  And, you know I’ll be sharing all I do here!

Anyway, that’s what I’m on now.  I’m trying to figure out the “Why?”..  I’ve been doing it here without knowing it and now that I know it….I’m ready to do it!  I’m ready to change my relationship with food and let it nourish my body, as God intended, and make it quit nourishing my soul.  Here we go….

Until later….

Long time no see….

I know I’ve been MIA for a while…that’s for several reasons actually.   One was because it REALLY took a toll on me to let Beezie go.  It’s hard to let go of someone that you really love and that was your best friend for 8 years.  But, I am a firm believer that at all times….you have to do what is best for you…no matter what that entails….you have to do what’s best for you and to make sure that you are mentally and emotionally healthy.   No matter how much it hurts. Anyway, I need to move on from that.

In the more recent times…I’ve been sick as a dog. I’ve had a bronchial infection of some sort and it went on for 2 freggin’ weeks!  So, for a while, I’ve been battling that.  And, it had me on my butt!  But, I’m better now.  So, WATCH OUT DERE NOW! 

I’ve been doing a LOT of research on different things and wait until I let everyone know later on tonight when I add in a LOT of things….but I’m going to work on myself…from the inside out and I’ve got a LOT of stuff to share.  So….

Until later….

I don’t know about anyone else….but I believe God answers me. Like, I was REALLY missing Beezie and then I saw him yesterday and he looked really bad….I mean like his life had gotten worse….just within the last month. And, it made me feel bad for him. But, in the same breath…..it made me glad that I let him go. I say that because with that MUST come drama and I just don’t want to deal with drama…..I really don’t. I have too much going on in my life to worry about someone else’s. I prayed for him when I left him. I pray his life changes for the better and I wish NOTHING but the best for him. I really do. Please say a quick prayer for him. He needs it! I feel like God made us see each other because I was so worried that I had done the wrong thing by letting him go…then he let me see him and let me know that I did the right thing because if not….I would have been there with him in his misery.

Now, let’s move on to Saturday. I went out Saturday and had such a good time. I’m soooooooooo glad Mark and Nikki came because I probably would have been pulling my hair out strand by strand if they didn’t…lol But, they had me crying laughing and I met this guy that I was like….naw, he’s not my type….but he is SOOO funny and he is a gentleman so far…and the conversation at breakfast after we left the party was good….so we’ll see how it goes. And, I met a few other ones that made me say….hmmmmm. lol

Well, enough about all that….oh yeah. I used to have an eating log on here back in the day and I never kept it up because I just didn’t feel like keeping a journal of it and then having to retype it here….so I’ve found a better way. I have an iTouch and I log my food in it and now I can sync it with the online version. So, I’ll be keeping it there. This is the link to it….here.

Oh and one more way that God answers me….I had asked him about some things in my life and then I see this….

not only a bright rainbow….but a DOUBLE rainbow….and I don’t know if you can tell….but the inside of the bright one is brighter than the outside….come to your own conclusion….I know I have mine….thank you for Your answer! *humbled*

That’s where I am right now. I’m so sick of my own shit right now until it’s crazy. And, you know the messed up thing? I can’t show it. Because of what I’m doing with everything I do, I can’t really show my true feelings sometimes….but here I can. And, here I will. No one would know it, but I’ve been in such a funk for the last month until it’s crazy. I let go of a very dear friend and at first, it didn’t affect me because I was so pissed. Then, I spoke to my home girl and she made me start thinking about a lot of stuff. Then, the hurt started coming in…..because that’s all it was to begin with. I was hurt from what my “best friend” did…..well….what he didn’t do and it really hurt me. But, I put it out there as I was pissed. And, at first I thought I was.

But he hurt me….he REALLY hurt me. And, instead of talking to him about it, I flew off the handle and told him that I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. That’s something that I have to check myself on. With me….right now….it’s either black or white….either you’re in or you’re out…..there’s no in between. And, the worse thing that you can do to me is act like you don’t care…..that’s soooo hard on me. I can’t handle it. So, instead of dealing with it…..I just delete you from my life, and that’s what I’ve done to him.

But, in the same breath, a piece of advice that I gave her about her situation….well….I have not applied it to myself. I told her that she should actually FEEL whatever she is feeling and not push it down or run away from it. I’ve found that when you do that…..THAT’S when you begin to heal. It hurts like hell to actually FEEL, but that’s what helps soooo much. And, ever since I’ve told her that….I’ve started to feel what my “best friend” did to me…..not mad….but hurt. And, this shit HURTS!!!!!

I miss him….I miss him so much! I miss my friend. I don’t have too many of those….not people that I would call actual friends. It’s SO hard for me to trust anyone enough to call them my friend. I miss him so much and if I ever talk to him again, I will take the advice she gave me and actually TALK to him about what I was feeling. I just pray that one day I’ll have that chance to talk to him and clear all of this up….even if we are not friends anymore….I want to clear this up.

The one good thing about this all is that….I never binged….not one time! That is SO major to me! I drowned my hurt feelings in feelings of pity instead of food! Still not a good way, but a LOT better than feeding them!

I’ve been doing a lot of research on the diabetic plan and it looks very doable….I think I’m going to give it a whirl….just to see what’s what and how it goes…..wish me luck!

Until later!

Well….I’m not sure if it was the chips….or the food over my mother’s for the Super Bowl…..or what set me off….but I have been eating like crazy! You know it doesn’t really matter why I’m doing it….the fact is…that I’m doing it…and it has to stop!!! For the last few days, it’s really been crazy. I just eat and eat and eat. I’m not going to get on the scale because I’m scared that it will throw me off worse. And, I’ve been having a little pity party for myself. But, you know what….a few minutes ago, I had to remind myself to “Stay in the solution!” and it popped me out of it! So, I’m back and I’m PISSED!!!! Tomorrow will be my first day back and I’m READY!!!!!! Try stopping me and watch what happens!!!

Until tomorrow!