How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Today….Dear Greg,

I have had so much hatred towards you for so long.  Seven years to be exact.  You know what, to be totally honest with you, it’s been more than that.  But, today I let all of it go.  I wish I could send this to you, but I really don’t want to waste the effort….so I’ll just send it into the universe and let it handle it.  Since the time you molested my daughter, I have hated you for so many things.  You single handed ruined my life.  You and you alone.  I had nothing to do with it.  I used to blame myself thinking….”If only I would have never met him, then it would not have happened.  But, I can’t say that.  Then I used to say, “Well, it could have happened, but not by someone that I was going to marry.”  But, that is bullshit because it could have been another man that I might have been actually married that did the same thing.  I looked around and finally realized that I am NOT to blame for it.  The only thing that I am guilty of is loving you.  And, that is what made it so much worse.  But, you know what?  Today, my life is so much clearer.  I now KNOW that I had nothing to do with that.  It was all you!  I’m not sure if it was the demons within you, your sexual addiction, or what….but whatever it is, I had nothing to do with it!  And, I have released that guilt of wishing I had never met you.

In addition to taking my daughter’s innocence, you ruined my life.  You took away a man that at the time I felt like I loved.  Let me correct that, that I did love.  You took away a man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  I hate you for that.  But, at the same time I love the fact that you did.  I am so very thankful that you showed me that you were not the man for me BEFORE I walked down the aisle with you.  I pray that whatever lesson I was supposed to learn from you being in my life, I’ve learned so that I would not be doomed to have it being repeated.  I used to say that my daughter was molested by my ex-fiancé to people.  But, you know what, even though that is a fact, I won’t say that anymore….because it doesn’t make a difference who did it.  It’s just the fact that it was done.  And, in some parts of me, I wanted other people to know as a form of punishment to myself.  I wanted people to look at me and say “How could you ever choose someone like that?” and think horrible of me.  But, no one ever did.  I just wanted to keep on punishing myself.  And, that was my way.  But, no more.  If I ever do say what happened again, it won’t be that my daughter was molested by my ex-fiancé….I will just say that my daughter was molested.  But, I’m hoping that I won’t even feel like talking about it again because even though it is “my story”, I want it to be “my history”.

You know the part of everything that is my fault? The only part of it is that I stayed too long.  I should have left you long before.  I was not happy with our relationship.  I don’t know why I stayed.  Wait, that’s a lie.  I do know why.  I stayed because I didn’t love myself enough.  Now, all of that has changed.  I do love myself now.  And, now I love myself enough to forgive you.  It has nothing to actually do with you, it has everything to do with me releasing the hatred that I have for you.  Because if my hands are full of my hatred for you, I don’t have any room left to grasp something good.  So, I release it.  I release you!  I release the hatred that I have for you.  I hate what you did.  I hate that it had to take place, but I am so thankful for the lesson it taught me.  It taught me that I needed to become closer to my daughter.  It taught me that I can not trust people as freely as I have.  It taught me to make people earn my trust instead of giving it to them so freely.  It taught me that I have to love myself first.  It taught me that above all the doubt that I have, I did put my daughter first by pressing charges against you instantly.  It taught me that not every person has my best interest at heart.  It taught me that until I get right within myself, I will NEVER find what I want from anyone.  And, for those lessons…and those lessons alone, I thank GOD for.

I release you….and in order for me to move on, I must forgive you.  And, I do.  You are out of my life and I thank you for the lessons that the experience taught me.  And, you know what is even more important?  I forgive me.  I forgive me!!!

Mikki

Until later….