How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

You know, I’m not really sure how I feel today.  I’m in kind of a mood  I just don’t know.  Everything is going pretty good.  I’m back at this crazy lifelong journey of weight loss and everything that comes with it.  So, I’m not mad….sad….happy….or anything.  I’m just.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been really keeping myself busy today.  But, I’m just blank….feeling wise…today. 

Anyway, let me get on with it….I’ve been doing a whole lot of soul searching this past week about a lot of stuff…..pretty much my whole life.  I do that quite a bit to keep trying to learn from my mistakes and build myself up at all costs.  But, this has been a little different.  I took total time to myself.  I quit talking to everyone except my daughter.  I took time off from every single other person.  Anyway, it has helped a lot.  I had been spending a whole lot of time with Beezie lately and I had to get myself in check because I felt the possibility of me falling for him coming back again.  I had to stop that real quick!!  That shit was NOT happening!!! But, that was not the only reason I took time to myself.  I also had to get a reality check about my entire life.  I want so much out of life…..so much!!!  But, I’m not quite sure how to get it.  I mean I know I’ve been taking small steps to make it to where I want to be, but I’ve realized that fear of failure and just the thought that I just might not make it had me at a stand still.  You know quite some time ago, I heard that if you go through something and don’t deal with it, you kind of stick in that time and your life just won’t move.  I’ve finally realized where I am stuck.  With my family and my life as a whole, I am still that 15 year old girl that is scared to tell her mother that I am pregnant.  With men and my adult life, I am still that 29 year old woman who’s life was crushed and destroyed when her then fiancé molested her daughter.  I realized about that 15 year old girl one day on the phone with Beezie.  He was talking about something totally different and for some reason, it popped in my head that, that was the time that my life stopped.  Around my family….I’m still that little scared girl.  I blame so much of my life when it changed in 2000 when my daughter was molested by my then fiance.  And, I now know that I was right.  I ordered all of my credit reports the other day.  I have horrible credit.  And, when I looked at it, each and every single bad report happened around that time in 2000.  It actually shocked me because I have never noticed that before.  But, that showed me that it really did mess me up.  That caused me to start thinking about everything. That really kicked my depression into high gear.  I gave him so much power over me.  That is what’s so fucked up.  He still to this day has power over me.  And, I never really thought about it like that until now.  I still think about that day a lot.  I have wished so many times that I could visualize what happened on that particular day so that I could get an understanding of everything in my life.  Well, that’s too much to get into right now.  But, he really has my life fucked up and I didn’t realize how much until very recently.  But, I’m gaining more and more understanding as time goes on.  Anyway, a lot of that bad credit is going away next year and I can work on repairing it and repairing my life.  I have to still work on letting that whole situation go.  And, I will in the very near future.  But, until then, I will continue to strive to make my life right.

So much stuff has happened.  I have my g-baby!  She is such a beautiful child.  And, she’s good.  She doesn’t cry unless she’s hungry or you are changing her diaper.  I mean I have never saw a baby like this before.  She will just sit and look at you.  Now, she makes the funnies faces in the world.  She has an attitude already.  I gave her a pacifier for the first time yesterday and she made a face like it was the worst thing ever.  She was like, .  Then, she looked at me like .  me annd hr mother died laughing.  She was looking at me like, “What tha hell is wrong with you?!!!  Have you lost your damn mind?!!!!”  We hollered!!!! And she stayed frowned up for about 30 seconds too.  It was too funny. Wanna see her?

Is she the most beautiful baby you have ever seen?!!!! She has G-Ma wrapped around her finger already!! She is the only baby that at 3 days old, she had her own website.  Yes, G-Ma made her baby a website. 

Ok, that’s all for now….I have to go do some thangs!!!!