Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Why do I do this to myself?  I go from one extreme to the other.  Either I’m full force towards it with no stopping in site, or I have a major fuck it attitude.  Well today is no different.  I’m sitting here at my computer on my support board and I can not stop crying.  See, I know that I am not at a good place in my life right now.  I have so much on my plate.  I’m working on designs for my t-shirt company, I’m working on the site for my t-shirt company, I’m working on designs for my jewelry company, I’m working on the site for my jewelry company, I’m organizing awards for my support board, I’m still unpacking from my move, I still have people coming over for alterations in their clothing, I am trying to mentally prepare for my grandchild that will be here in September, and I still have a lot of stuff that I need to list on eBay.

I do this to myself all the time.  I take on so much and then it gets overwhelming and I crack and say fuck everything.  I don’t want to get to that stage.  And, the most important part of everything is that I am so full force on is my weight loss.  See, when I was doing it before, I lost 100 pounds.  It was hard, but I did it.  Then I stopped concentrating on it.  Now, I’ve gained every single ounce of it back.  I’m back at my journey and I’m losing again.  But, it took me forever to get back on track.  And, now that I’m back on track, I can’t find a middle ground.  I’m sitting her now….I have not eaten in 13 hours and I am not hungry.  That is not healthy.  This is in NO WAY healthy.  I should be eating something at least every 3 hours.  And, if I strictly go by that, I have missed 4 meals.  And, that is NOT healthy.  The sad part is, I don’t want to eat.  I’m sitting here with the attitude like I know I’ve got to eat so I’m going to eat a pickle.  That’s truly not good.  But, after I post this, I am going to go and eat some cereal if nothing else. But, the switch in my mind has been switched from “eat everything” (when I couldn’t get back on track) to “eat nothing”.  Neither one is good.  I have got to learn how to find a middle ground, because this pity party I’m having is no good.

Being addicted to food is a bitch!!!  I keep thinking that if I was addicted to something that I didn’t need everyday to survive, it would be so much easier.  Not that I want to be addicted to crack….but if I were, then I could just stay out of the crack house.  But, with food, you need it to live….you have to be around it.  But, today…even though it’s Easter, I’m not going over  my mother’s house.  Everyone is getting together for dinner and I am not going because I know of all the unhealthy stuff that will be over there.  And, to tell me to go and just not eat it is like telling a cocaine addict to not snort that kilo that’s sitting in front of his face already cut in lines…or telling that alcoholic to not drink any alcohol after you lock him alone in a freaking liquor store….it just ain’t happening.

I’m really in a fucked up place right now and I have got to get out if.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

I am so thru with myself right now it’s ridiculous.  I mean how much can I really expect people to be honest with me and I’m not being honest to myself.  I mean I have a whole lot of skeletons in my closet and yet I expect people to come to me drama free.  I have a lot of shit going on inside me and I am trying so hard to work them out so that the next relationship I get in…if I get in one…will be truly healthy.  I don’t mean no ghetto love healthy, but really and truly healthy.  I want us to come to the table free and clear of all baggage.  So, as of today, I’m dropping my baggage at the door.  No more will I be held captive within myself for some bullshit that I am scared of getting out in the world.  I’m sweeping out all the bones and debris and making a clean slate to start with.

I watch every Starting Over show that comes on.   It’s a wonder reality show that has 6 women living in one house and they have what’s called Life Coaches.  Each one comes with something that they want to change about themselves and I am no exception.  I want to go on there so bad, but I know how my mother is and I would hate to “air our laundry” on national tv.  It’s nothing bad to me because I use it as therapy and I feel that if I share my story then, maybe someone will not feel as alone and maybe they can be helped.  So that’s what I do with Starting Over.  I take each and every exercise that they (the life coaches….Rhonda, Iyanla, and Dr. Stan) give the ladies and if it pertains to my life in any way, I do it.  Now, normally, I’m crying every single day I watch it because to me, it’s helping me realize a lot about myself and little by little, I love me more and more.

Anyway, that brought on this post.  I am a very confident woman for the most part, but there are some things that I am extremely insecure about.  And, I’m insecure about them because I just don’t want anyone to know about them and I keep them to myself because I’m terrified that someone will find out.  But, if I put it out there, I’m taking away the power it has over me and giving myself back the power.  And, if I can help someone know that they are not alone in this fight called life, that just makes it all the better.  So, I’m putting all my skeletons out here today so that I will have nothing more to hide ever!  I don’t know how I could possibly be more honest with myself.  So….here goes…..

1. I lost my virginity at 15.
2. I got pregnant the second time I had sex.
3. I have been raped twice…once at 15 and once at 17.
4. I was going to initially give my daughter up for adoption….the papers were signed before she was born.
5. I was not supposed to see her after I had her, but the hospital messed up and let me see her and I instantly fell in love with her and there was no way possible I could give her away.
6. I always seem to look for love in men.
7. I didn’t feel love from my family until like a year ago.  Now, I KNOW they love me.
8. I used to get into emotionally abusive relationships even though I knew they were not good for me…simply because I wanted a man.
9. I was molested at the age of 6 by my then next door neighbor.
10. I could still taste his mouth until he died about 8 years ago.  (THANK YOU GOD FOR TAKING THAT MEMORY FROM ME!!!)
11. I have always considered myself as a failure until about 2 years ago.
12. Sometimes that failure mentality still sneaks up just not as often.
13. I suffered from a severe bout of depression for about 4 years.
14. My 2nd fiancé molested my daughter.
15. I have blamed myself for this because I feel like if I had never met him, she wouldn’t have been. (I am currently working on stopping this.)
16. I am not as close with my daughter as I was before she was molested.  (She saw the rawest side of me because my depression started when he molested her and she basically had to take on the mother roll.  I hold an assload of guilt from that, that I am still working on.)
17. I am so “anti-sex” because after I got raped the second time, I went on a pretty much “free-for-all”.  I was never really loose, but I didn’t have to be in love with you to have sex with you.  Now, ain’t no way in shit I’m laying down with you unless we are damn near married.
18. I tend to fall for the wrong men.  (I’m stopping that here and now!)
19. I’m somewhat shallow.  Ok, maybe more than even I realize…but for me to date you, I have to be attracted to you in some kind of way.  I’m not saying that you have to be hella cute, but at least let me be attracted to you in some way, even if it’s just your eyebrows.
20. I allowed Bat too much control over me and my mind.
21. I allowed my mother too much control over me and my mind.
22. I don’t always know what’s good for me even though I can have it sitting right in my face.
23. I used to put myself last after everyone else in my life.
24. My daughter is pregnant and I’m not totally accepting of it.  I’m beginning to be more accepting because I guess I’m just getting used to the idea.
25. I have a lot of guilt that I had my daughter too early in life to teach her the correct way to be.  (I’m doing my best to show her now.)
26. I feel like to look like I do is somewhat a curse.  See, when people find you attractive or “very attractive” however they phrase it….they tend to think of you as only the physical.  I don’t like that.  I want people to get to know the real me…..not the chat me….not the fake ass arrogant me….the REAL me.  Not too many people know that me.  Actually only one person knows that me.
27. I do like it sometimes though because of the attention.
28. I do not like my size.
29. I do want to lose weight. (not a secret)
30. I have thought about suicide too many times to name.
31. I have attempted suicide twice….once when I was pregnant….and once about 5 years ago.
32. The first time, I took a lot of pills….the second time, I tried slitting my wrists (I was still severely depressed at this time)
33. I didn’t spend as much time with my grandmother before she passed because I was not used to seeing this STRONG woman so sick.  I just couldn’t handle it.  That kills me that I lost that precious time.

Now, my closet it clean. I sat here and just typed.  I don’t know of any other skeleton in my closet right now.  If I figure one out, then I will put it out there.

I’m just tired of hiding.  And, if I come out of hiding….maybe….just maybe….I’ll see the real me and I can get totally healthy.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

Ok, what tha fuck is this about?!!!!!

Ok, first….this is supposed to be a “star”.  I know people are human and they can be pushed to a certain level, but what tha fuck?!!!!!  I mean you can look at his mouth when he first was walking towards her and see that he was going to do something.  I don’t give a fuck who he is, this shit is wrong!!!! And, why the fuck are these sorry bastards just standing around looking?  I mean I can’t comprehend.  What tha fuck would make you just sit there and watch a man hit a woman and not do anything about it?!!!!  That is wrong with this fucking country now!!!!!!The “men” beside him should have did the same thing to him!

Oh yeah, and Jay-Z…your new name from me is Bitch-Z.  I’m not listening to any more of your music and in my opinion, Beyonce should drop your ass now!!!!  Bitch made punk ass!!  Oh yeah, .

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

I am just really starting my day, so I don’t know how it’s going to go.  But, I know I’m stressed already because i have a lot of stuff to do.  I have to wash clothes, clean up, do some alterations for my sister on 3 dresses, work on my t-shirt designs and make some more jewelry.  Oh yeah, I’m making jewelry now y’all.  So, if you want to know more about it, I will let you know when I get enough together to see what the deal is.  But, I’m going to show you the little I’ve made so far.

Until later….

How I feel today:

Dear Diary,

I just don’t know why I let my mother get to me the way I do. She came over today and we were just talking about stuff in general.  I mean I know she means well and I know her intentions are purely loving, but the way she comes off sometimes drives me crazy.  She was just talking about different things and asking me am I afraid to succeed or scared to fail on certain parts of my life.  I told her both.  Then I went on to tell her how I use certain TV shows and music as my “therapy” and how far I’ve come from where I’ve been.  Almost everything I told her, her reply was “Well, Mikki that’s normal, everyone feels that way.”  I just wanted to yell, “But we are not talking about everyone damn it!  You asked about me!  Don’t down play my feelings because you want to lump it in with everyone!” I hate when people do that.  I am not everyone and I hate when people clump me with anyone!

I don’t know if I’m overly sensitive or what.  But, for some reason, that entire conversation really hurt my feelings.

Until later….