Dear Diary,

Well, good lawd hammercy!!!!  When it rains it pours.  I’ve been getting emails cussing me out because I said I would post 3 times a week and I wasn’t.  I have been in a world wind all last week.   I got the shock of my life on Wednesday of last week. I was told that Jae was coming home Thursday!  I had so many mixed emotions that it was ridiculous. I’ll go into that on my post tomorrow.  I just wanted to share that I now have my family complete.  Both of my babies are home….Jae and Beezie are here.  Now, my family is complete!!!!   Thank you God!!!!

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s Monday, and less than a week before Beezie gets home.  But, you know what’s tripped out, I’m nervous as hell.  I don’t know if I’m truly at a point to be in a relationship.  I mean with so much stuff that is still going on with me, can I really give my all to someone.  Well, I guess  I have to get ready because it’s coming.  I can’t wait to go and pick my baby up!  I’ve already picked out his clothes and everything.  I’ve been a very busy bee this weekend and I’m still going strong.  I’ve been doing a whole lot of deep cleaning.  I just want him to come home to a super clean house.  I mean I’ve even pulled out the fridge and stove and cleaned up under it and behind it.  I still have a lot to do, but I’ve done so much.  His family is giving him a bar-b-que on Saturday and normally I would have jumped in and taken control to make sure it’s perfect.  But, not this time.  I haven’t even called to say if they wanted me to bring anything.  Hell, I’m bringing Beezie, so that’s enough.  I still have to do a few things though.  Like pay a couple of bills….get my nails done….do my feet….and a lot of other stuff too.  I just finished making my outfit for the bar-b-que, so I’m glad that’s out of the way.  I’ve washed clothes today, but I still have about 2 loads to go.  I’ve done so much that I know I’ve racked up major activity points.  I’ve done more lifting, vacuuming, dish washing, mopping, sweeping, and dusting that I’m gonna turn into a dust pan.   

I’m sooooooooo scared to make love to him too.  I have not been intimate in the last year and I’m nervous like a little school girl.  It’s like will be making love for the first time all over again.  I mean don’t get me wrong, your girl gone put da dayum thang down!!  But, I’m nervous. 

I’ve been trying to add stuff to my eBay too, but for some reason, it won’t let me.  I’ve got so much stuff to put on there and they are being assholes taking their sweet time to get back to me.  They need to hurry up! 

Anyway, it’s late and I’ve got to get up and run a lot of errands tomorrow so I’ll write again on Wednesday.

Until then….

Dear Diary,

First, thank you all so much for your kind words.  You all made me feel so much better.  I had to get away from everything for a few days.  I saw the direction I was headed and I had to get it under control and stop feeling so sad for myself.  I’ve pulled myself up by the bootstraps and have moved on.  I’ve been praying for a way to truly forgive myself.  It has not come yet, but I’m sure it will.  It’s only a matter of time.  So, I’m going to do my best to let it ride.  It might still mess with me, but I have to look over it and deal with the here and now and not with the there and then.  So, that is gone.  I’ve stayed away for a few days because I really had to get myself together and I couldn’t do it concentrating on everything and everyone else.  I felt guilty for not posting and actually almost did a couple of times, but then I said, “Mikki, above everything, you have to take care of yourself!”  So, I did.  I had to put myself first again.  And, I’m feeling so much better for it.

Now, lemme catch you up on a few things.  First, this is June.  My big baby is coming home veeeeery shortly.  I’m finally gonna get me some.  Speaking of that…..….I started my damn period today.  I ain’t had sex in a damn year and just when he’s supposed to come home, I start my fuckin period.  Ain’t that a bitch!  But, the funny part was I actually started praying that God would stop it soon and let it be a normal period.  I was like, “Mikki, you are praying for God to allow you to fornicate?!”  So I stopped, but secretly, I do still wanna pray about it.  So, tomorrow, I am going to get some birth control pills and take 2 per day until he’s been home for a couple of days and I get my “doing it” spell out of the way.  Then, I’ll stop and allow it to come back.  Damn that, I gotta get me some.  I can’t wait until I can take him home with me.  I haven’t’ been going to see him for the last few weeks because he says that it really hurts him to see me leave and he not come with me.  So, I’ve told him that since he was coming home very soon, I’ll just chill and wait until I can bring him home.  I really miss him and yep, the day he get’s home, you all won’t see me for that entire weekend or that Monday.   But, after that, I’ll be tired of him and I’ll be back. 

I’ve decided that with so much to do with eBay and trying to start my business, I will only be posting on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  See sometimes I don’t have anything to say and this way, I will have lots to say and it wouldn’t be just a boring post.  Yep, you guessed it, this is the Friday post.  So, I won’t post again until Monday.  Weekends are crazy with eBay and I really need some “me” time to take to myself.

I’ve gone to two Weight Watcher’s meetings this week.  I’ve actually been doing really good this week in spite of everything.  I’ve journaled, drank my water, and been eating right.  So, it seems as if I’m back on track.  I’ve had several inspirations this week.  A few that truly stuck out and touched me were someone from here sent me an email and said, “Self-esteem is mine.  God gave it to me and I’m going to get it back.  No one has the right to take it!”  That was so very powerful to me.  She was truly right.  My happiness is mine.  God gave it to me and NO ONE has a right to take it away.  I WILL get it back!  Then, the leader in one of the meetings said, “December is going to come guaranteed.  Where will YOU be when it does?”  That was so powerful to me because it basically told me that no matter if I wallow in self pity or make a go at life, time is going to pass.  It’s just what I do with it that will make the difference.  I mean, I knew that all the time, but something about the way it hit me was so powerful.  I still have not started back exercising and I ain’t gonna while I’m on my cycle.  It’s just not fair to have to walk on a treadmill while I’m bleeding.  Dammit, I ain’t gonna!  I’ll start the good kind of exercising the day he gets home. 

Life around my apartments have been a live Jerry Springer show.  I have mentioned my super ghetto neighbors across the yard.  They cranked it up a notch this week.  They started fussing with my neighbors and they all started fighting.  It was like the Hatfields and the McCoys.  I was all in my widow watching.  It was sooooo funny.  I didn’t have any popcorn, so I grabbed my Froot Loops and sat in the window.  I wanted to yell out “Jerry – Jerry – Jerry!!!” Then the security came and they called the police.  Well, after everything calmed down, the officer told everyone to go in their house.  The ghetto family stayed outside.  It was about 20 of them.  The officer said, “You have 5 seconds to go in the house.  All after that, every left comes with me.”  They scattered like roaches.  I wish I had a camcorder.  Shit I just thought about it, I could have taken pictures.  I normally try to break up any fight that I see.  But this time?  It was just too damn many of them and I am far too pretty to get hit. 

I don’t know why I get so sleepy that time of the month.  Well, I’ll catch up more on Monday.  I just wanted to say thank you and I truly appreciate each and every one of you for making me feel better.    And, you truly did.

See you Monday!

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s been a minute.  Thank you all for all your kind emails wondering how I’m doing and wanting to know if everything was OK.  I can’t answer all of them right now, so I’ll just tell you what’s been going on.

I’ve been failing.  I haven’t been posting either because I’ve felt so much like I’m failing that I couldn’t possibly be any type of inspiration to anyone.  I’ve been battling with my depression for a while now.  And, when I saw that I had gained 20 pounds back, it really kicked in.  I have not been eating right at all.  I’ve totally went back to being an emotional eater.  I haven’t journaled, I don’t drink my water like I should, and I’ve gone back to eating everything I shouldn’t.  I didn’t want that to be an example for everyone, so I just stayed away.

I’ve pretty much hit bottom again and no one knows.  So that makes it that much worse.  I’ve always been the queen of hiding my feelings and I do it so well now.  No one knows that I sit at home and cry all the time.  No one knows that I don’t even get dressed unless I’m leaving my house.  No one noticed that I don’t answer the phone that much.  No one noticed that I’m depressed all the time.  You know why, because I’m so fuckin bull headed that I don’t want to let anyone know.  I figure that no one goes through what I go through so I go through it by myself.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I need help.  I need major help to get back on track the way I was.  This is killing me.

I’m battling with with my depression because I have to do what’s best for my child even though I don’t want to.  We talked the other week and told me that she was scared of falling back into the same trap of what was going on when she came home.  She is doing extremely well now and she’s scared that when she comes back to Atlanta, she will see the same people she used to and she was scared that she would not continue to improve and go back to the same wrong crowd.  I was so proud of her because she was finally trying to better her life herself and that was the most mature thing she has ever said.  I was happy and very proud of her.  Then came the blow of how much of a fuck up I was.  How fucked up it was that I could not shelter her from this crowd to begin and then how I can’t guarantee her that I would shelter her from them once again.  I wish she was a baby again and I could start all over.  I feel like such a damn failure as a mother.  Please don’t respond to this that it is not my fault.  Because it is.  I don’t care what nobody says, I should have checked that bastard out!  I should have known of his past.  I should have ran a background check on him!  I should have known!!!!!

Now I have to be without my baby at home even longer because of my fuck up.  Because I was too fucking blinded with love to run a background check…now all this is happening.  I just want a huge eraser and erase everything from April 2000 and the 2 years before that when I met his fucked up ass.  Now, here I sit once again, having to have my heart ripped out.  I’m here crying everyday because I have to do what’s best for her life and put my feelings aside.  I have to let her stay where she feels safe and wants to continue to do so well.  But, I want my baby home so bad.  She’s 16 now and these are the years that I’m supposed to tell her about dating and she’s supposed to be getting ready to go the prom and looking at colleges.  But because of me and my fucked up judgment none of this is happening.  I wanna see her, I wanna hold her, I wanna make everything alright.  I want her to come home.  FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!!

Dear Diary,

Ok, so y’all really could have warned me how damn addictive eBay really is.  Well, everyone might not know, but I took this month off because damn it I was just sick and tired of being on plan and dealing with food and counting points, and weighing myself and the whole weight loss stuff. So, a month ago, I said forget everything and went totally off plan.

Yesterday, for the first time in a month, I got back on the scale and started all over. But, during my break…

Did I drink my water? Nope
Did I exercise? Nope
Did I eat right? Yeah
Did I eat when I was supposed to? Nope
Did I journal? Nope
Did I count my points? Yep, kinda but I was always waaaay under.
Did I lose? Nope
Did I gain? Yep, to the tune of 20 pounds.
Did I learn anything? Nothing that I didn’t know before. I have to drink my water, I have to exercise, I have to not only eat right, but EAT!!! I have to journal, I have to count my points. I have to stick to it no matter what.

Does it suck that I have to fight this fight every fucking day of my life? Yep!

Dear Diary,

Today was really nice.  I went to Justin’s track and field banquet and he got his letter for his jacket, a certificate, a plaque, and a trophy.  It was so very nice.  You know my ghetto butt was hooting and hollering for my nephew.  I’m so proud of him. 

The speaker was a man who used to play pro football for the Rams.  He’s now a pastor and a mentor.  He really touched on something with me.  He said to never look back and to surround yourself with people who you want to be like.  Don’t worry about being with the “in” crowd, but to be your personal best.  Now I know he was talking to the high school students, but I took this to heart.  See, I’ve let a whole lot of stuff hold me down.  From the way I’ve always felt my mother didn’t care to the way I’ve let my ex-fiancé bastard ass affect me and my child.  Although I’ve always known this, the way he put it made it hit home better.  He said “You know when you’re running track and what’s the first thing the coach teaches you?  Don’t look back!”  He said to apply that to your life and you will have won half the battle.  Now, common sense tells me to let go of the past and move on, but for some reason something clicked when he said that.  I imagined myself on a race for life and literally running for my goal.  And that if I looked back, I would fall and never reach it.  That was so powerful to me.  I have to let go of the past.  I have to let go of how I feel my mother treated me, how I feel my father didn’t give a shit, how I feel my sister’s never really cared, how Jae’s father hurt her, how I fucked up with my first fiancé, how my second fiancé fucked up my life, and how I’ve allowed myself to be a victim and beat myself up.  I’ve always used my hurts in life as a crutch.  It was “why” I’m fat.  But, you know what, that hurt may have truly been the “reason” I picked up those cookies and ice cream at that moment.  But, that hurt was not the reason I kept eating it.  See, I’m looking at it like this…..yes, they hurt me.  Each and every one did.  I don’t feel like I have a very stable relationship with anyone in my life.  I don’t feel like I know for a fact that anyone loves the true and real me.  The way they hurt me gave them power over me.  And, each and every day, I am continuing to give them that power over me.  Only I can take that power back.  And, tonight I am.

Ma, I forgive you.  Daddy, I forgive you.  Diane, I forgive you.  Donna, I forgive you.  Licia, I forgive you.  Jae, I forgive you.  James, I forgive you.  Jackie, I forgive you.  Each and every past boyfriend I forgive you.  Greg, even though it hurts my very being to say this, I forgive you.  Lord, please bless each and every one of them to be what You have in store for them.  Lord forgive each and every one of them because they knew not what they did to me.  Lord, please give me the strength to do what I need to do to please You.

If I don’t forgive each and every one of them, how can I expect to be forgiven?  The hate I carry around in my heart only shorten my days and gives them power over my life.  I release that power now.  It will no longer be in my heart. My hatred will no longer allow me to be the victim and blame someone else for whatever I do….including stuffing something in my mouth.  This will allow me to be the real me.  This will allow me to be free.

Oh this is such a good feeling!  Now I can race towards my goal and not look back.

Dear Diary,

Today is my birthday and I’m gonna celebrate me allllllll day long!!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!

Dear Diary,

Well, things have been kind of crazy lately still.  I got a lot done today though.  I got my emissions test, my tags, took care of my insurance, got my spare tire and checked all my fluids.  So, all is good.  I’m legit for another year. 

I’m still up because I’m going to see my big baby tomorrow and I gotta get everything ready tonight even though I need to get up at 7:00am so that I can leave by 8:00.  I need to wash my hair, but I’m not sure if I will.  If I get in the shower tonight instead of in the morning, I might have time to do it.  Wait, let me keep it real.  If I get off my ass right now and do it, I will be good.  I swear, I must be the biggest damn procrastinator in the world.  I’m pretty much always like until it’s to the last few minutes then I’m like .

Anyway, I’m finna get up and move my butt so I can get up and get outta here in the morning.

Wait!!!!  Before I go, today is my father’s birthday and that crazy man ain’t even been home.  Well, anyway, I love you and Happy Birthday old man!  I call him that all the time. He’s gonna kill me. 

And you better not forget my birthday on Monday either! 

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s gotten a whole lot worse.     See?!!

It’s so ugly and it really really hurts.  When I type, its right on it because it’s on the underside of my arm.  That damn pool!    But, being the resilient person I am, I’m steadily plugging along.  I hate being so damn light skinned.  Bruises show up entirely too damn good.  It looks like someone just beat the shit out of my arm. 

Anyway, back to real life….I love the summertime.  I love fruit and it is a plentiful now.  I went to the store and got some watermelon, strawberries, bananas and fresh pineapples.  I could go days without eating food and just eat fruit.  I’m gonna sooooooo love tomorrow when I wake up.  I bought some cereal too and I’m gonna only eat cereal and fruit all day long.  No meat…..….no veggies…… just fruit.  Oh, I have a bit of advise to people.  If you’re gonna eat watermelon, don’t eat it right before you go to bed.  I got up 5 times last night peeing my butt off. 

Anyway, it’s late and I didn’t really get a good night’s sleep last night, so I’m gonna end this one.  I hope to write more tomorrow.

Before I do, does anyone know how to get rid of bruises?