Dear Diary,

Well, I did it.  I’m married to me.  I figure like this.  I know how much effort I put into my relationships with men.  Now, it’s my turn to put that much effort into myself.  It’s high time that I love me like I normally love someone else.  I need to put me first like I always put other people.  So, today, I am marrying myself.  I have a wedding ring that I will never take off again.  Wanna see?

That’s it….that’s my wedding ring to myself.  Isn’t it purty?  I’m never-ever going to take it off. 

The ceremony was beautiful.  I was casual and didn’t dress up.  In fact, I just sat at my computer desk with only a pair of pants on and married myself.  And yes, I was crying like a baby.  But, you know what, every time I look at my ring, I will know that I mean a hell of a lot to me.  And it is my new commitment to myself to do this and become a better me. Here are my vows from my inner healthier self to my outer unhappier self….

All those are happy tears.  I say stuff and mean it like that to people I love and dammit, it’s about time I said it and meant it to myself.

Today is a wonderful day! 

Dear Diary,

What’s up?  You know what, I’m going through so much stuff that it’s actually becoming funny to me.  Beezie wrote me and made me feel good.  I had to go to court today for Jae.  It was just an update on everything and to see how she was doing where she was.  And, it is really good news.  She is doing very well and seems to love her school.  I really wish my baby was home, but I’m very happy that she is taking the help she is receiving and using it to her full advantage.  So, for that I am very blessed.  So, as long as she continues on the right track, I will do whatever it takes to keep her going.  Please keep her in your prayers.

Now, for the funny part.  I got hit on by a woman today.  I bought some cologne the other day.  It is called Burberry London.  It smells so good.  I swear when I smelled it on myself, I wanted to make love to myself.  Well, I had it on today.  I went to a couple of stores and this woman walked past me.  She was sort of masculine but not a total dude.  She walked past me and I felt her looking.  She walked up to me and said, “Excuse me, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you really smell good.  What is that you are wearing?”  I told her what it was and asked her how could I possibly take that the wrong way?  She said, “I didn’t want you to think I was coming on to you.”  I said, “Oh, now well, that’s just too bad.”  And then I began to walk away.  She came back up to me and said, “Wait, hell, I was coming on, but I didn’t know how you would take it.” I said, “Well, see now, my feelings are already hurt because you said you weren’t coming on to me.”  She said, “Well, that was just a front.  Are you family?”  I know from hanging with a lot of gay women before that family means gay.  I told her, “No, sweetheart, I’m not gay.  I’m straight, but if I was gay, you would be the first on my list”  Hell, the girl was cute.  She said, “Do you think I could change your mind?”  I told her, “Naw, sweetie, I’m straight, but I thank you for the compliments.”  She said, “Your man is one lucky man.”  I started walking away and said, “I will be sure to tell him.  You have a nice day sweetheart.”  She tickled the shit out of me.  I felt like flirting dammit and she was the only one right there right then. 

Now, remember Rod?  Well, he called me tonight to talk about what was going on with me and Beezie.  He thinks Beezie and I are married and I’m only using him until he gets out.  My relationship with Beezie is a very complicated one.  Yes, he is my best friend.  Yes, he is someone that I love deeply.  We are NOT in a companion relationship.  He is NOT my man.  I am NOT his woman.  However, at this point, he is the ONLY man I would consider letting touching me in any sexual way.  Some would say we are friends with benefits, but I don’t consider that to be true either.  Sometimes I wonder if we will ever get back together since we are so close, but then, knowing us, probably not.  We are just too close and to me when you get to that brother/sister level, it would never work as a couple.  So, I sincerely think we will forever be the best of friends.  Well, naturally, men have a serious problem with this.  That is why I tell every man I meet from day one, that Beezie will be in my life no matter what, and if they could not handle it, then there would be no reason to get involved to begin with.  Well, most of them lie and say they can deal with it, and can’t.  So far, Eric was the only one that seemed as if he could actually do it.  But tonight, Rod called and kept going on and on about Beezie.  I got fed up and told him that I would talk to him later.  Then he calls me back and finally admits that he is younger than he first admitted.  When we first met, he said that he was 24 and will be 25 in February which is cool with me because I like younger men.  But, tonight, he admitted that he was 19 and will be 20 in February.  I instantly got hot.  I was like, “Lil’ boy, you damn near young enough to date my fucking daughter.”  All he could say was, “But if I told you, you wouldn’t have went out with me.”  I said, “You’re right.  Just like I’m not going to talk to you now.  I’ll holla!”  And I hung up the phone.  Now the funny part will be when he goes back to work and I go up there to get some stuff to fix my car.  I’m gonna be cool about it and probably die laughing because to me the shit is funny now.  It’s basically just par for the course now.  Knowing me, I will probably go straight to him to order my stuff for my car.  But, see, you know I gotta be hella mean and get real cute-ified and smell real good when I go there.  I’ll probably flirt with someone else just to piss him off.  I had quit playing games with men because I was really ready to find someone to try to begin to build a life with.  But, with the shit I’ve been going through, I’m not being serious with anyone and I am really finna date my ass off.  I was only sticking to one man at a time.  Now, I’m gonna be up front and tell mother fucka’s….NO don’t ask  me no questions, because I won’t ask you anything….NO you can’t fuck me….yeah you can take me out….yeah we can chill….yeah, if I’m feeling you, I might even take you out….NO you can’t come to my house….NO I don’t wanna come to your house…..NO I don’t want to be your woman…NO I don’t want you to be my man…if you see me with another man, speak and keep going….if I see you with another woman, I will just blow a kiss and keep going…mind your business, and I will mind mine!!!!  Sounds damn good to me.  That’s the new plan. 

Dear Diary,

I can’t go visit Beezie yet because of me not being a blood relative.  What the fuck kind of shit is that?  I am so fucking lost right now.  I really need to see him.  That’s the only thing I really have to look forward to, and they snatched it right from up under me.  Until he gets to the place where he will be until he gets out, I cant see him.  My God, how much more can I take alone?  We were not meant to be in this cruel, fucked up world alone and here I sit, by my fucking self.  I need at least one person that I can touch who is totally in my corner.  I’m not greedy.  Just one.  Just one on my side.  Just one fucking shoulder to lean on.  How the fuck can I keep being the shoulder for Jae and him when I don’t have a shoulder to lean on?  How can you keep uplifting people when you are so fucking low yourself?!!!  FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!!!!

Dear Diary,

Down another 3.2 lbs. and saying a fond farewell to the 450’s once again! Just .8 more and I’ll be back in virgin fat territory and my before turkey day weight.

I was really stressed about this WI, but as usual, I was stressed for nothing!!

Dear Diary,

Eric came home today.  Or, so he says.  I just get a bad feeling from him now.  He IMed me and was like, “what’s up sexy?”  I instantly was like .  Because I don’t understand how you can make someone feel like you feel one way and say you feel one way and then you just up and dip, I’m really not feeling him anymore. Then he wanted to still give me the ring he bought me.  I don’t even want it.  I believe that you give someone something because it is from the heart and you want to show you care.  But, if I don’t feel like you give a shit about me, I don’t want shit from you.  So, I told him to give it to someone he really cares about.  He tried to explain and tried to throw a little guilt trip about not going to “my” BBW dances so that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable by seeing him.  I told him that was stupid and I was finna get into the conversation with him, but I thought about and it was just not worth it.  We wished each other to have a happy holiday and quit talking.  I just don’t understand.  I really don’t.  And, it must not be meant for me to understand.  But, it was my fault for breaking my own rules and actually getting into him.  I really started to like him and that was where I fucked up.  I take full blame.  I should not have caught feelings for him.  But, like everything else, I’ll take it as a lesson learned and move on with life.

Well, so much for that thought.  Rod, is the name of my “new friend” that I’ve been dating for the last couple of days.  But, I don’t want to date him anymore either.  First, he is entirely too insecure.  He knows Beezie from the area they both used to stay in.  Well, I was up front and told him everything about how me and Beezie used to be together and now we are best friends and he is my roommate.  He would not let this ride.  He swears that me and Beezie are together and I’m just dealing with other people until Beezie gets out.  I am so damn tired of hearing this type of shit too.  No one believes that men and women can be friends.  Anyway, tonight his brother was there too and we all were talking about who would cheat on our mates with.  His brother said the normal Halley Berry and Janet Jackson.  I said, “The only man I would cheat on my husband with is Prince.”  His brother laughed and said, “Shit I would sleep with his pretty ass too.  Old, pretty ass mother fucker.”  I hollared.  Anyway, later, after his brother left, he said, “Now what’s the relationship between you and Beezie again?  How long have y’all been married?”  I’m like, “huh?  What the hell are you talking about?  I’m not fucking married.  If I was, you would not have ever gotten my number.   I don’t get down like that!”  He said that I had just said that I was married.  I got confused like a mother fucker.  I started doubting myself like, “damn girl, did you say some crazy shit like that?”  I started thinking hard than a mo fo.  Then he told me what I said about Prince.    I was like, “Ain’t this a bitch!”  Oh, all eyes got to rolling then.    I was mad as hell.   I told him, “For the last time, and I mean the last damn time…Beezie is my best friend.  That’s all.  Now, if I have to explain this to yo ass one more fucking time, you won’t hear it, because you will see me dipping.  If you don’t believe me, work on that shit within yourself, because I’m not doing this again!”  I get so tired of the same bullshit.  Then, I found out tonight that it is just a lot of little white lies that he tells.  And, I feel like everyone lies every now and then, but good lawd must you do so much?  He told me he didn’t curse….he does.  He told me he doesn’t drink…he does.  He told me he was 25 at first….he’s 23.  He told me he doesn’t wear jeans…he did last night.  Now, I admit, those are all little white lies that really don’t do that much harm, but all together in such a short time makes me wonder if he can be serious.  Then last night, he was drinking Colt 45.  I don’t care for men that drink.  That’s just my preference.  Every now and then is Ok, but for you to drink Malt Liquor all day and then when I’m around you irritates the hell out of me.  I told him that I came there to spend time with him and not Colt 45.  He promised me that he would not drink anymore that night.  I was like, Ok, that will work.  Now, keep in mind he promised this to me.  Then, we were in the bedroom listening to the slow jam CD I burned for him.  He thought I fell asleep and he went into the restroom.  Ok, fine.  Then, I’m still laying in the room and I hear the beer can top pop.    I instantly got angry.  Not because he was drinking, but the fact that he broke the promise.  I laid there for a minute hoping he would only take a sip and come back.  Well he didn’t.    So, I got up and went into the living room and looked dead at him.  He tried to hide the can.  So, then I’m like “You are a grown damn man, why are you trying to hide the can?”   So, I shook my head and went to the restroom.  When I came out, all the lights in the house were out.  I thought he was going to try to be funny and scare me.  But he wasn’t.  I’m thinking that he was just finishing off the beer.  So, I went back in the room, turned on the light and found my Carmex by the bed and got my purse.  He asked me where was I going and I told him I was going home.  He asked me why and I told him that since we have another visitor that he obviously wanted to spend more time with than me, I was fulfilling his wishes and going home.  I was so angry.  He begged me to stay, but I went in the living room and put on my shoes, coat, and gloves.  I was not going to stay under any circumstances.  So, as I’m waiting on him to unlock the burglar bar door, he’s steadily talking.  He pulled out all the stops.  He went from “I’m sorry I disappointed you, I don’t know why I did that.”  to, “I’m not good enough for you, you need to find someone that is worth your love.”    That’s when I really got pissed and told him, “I will not allow you to put this off on me like that and to open the fucking door, NOW!!!”  He did and I was walking down the stairs and he said, “Mikki, I don’t believe you are leaving….and at 4:00 in the morning.”  I told him, “Oh yeah? Watch!” And I left.  That’s something that I just don’t accept.  Don’t tell me one thing and then do another.  Fuck that, I will leave quick as shit and not look back.  Then, I stopped to check the PO box on my way home, and I got a letter from Beezie.  That calmed me down for a minute and I came on home.  When I got home, he called and said that he was sorry for breaking the promise and he should have been real and just either don’t promise, or don’t drink the beer.  I told him “Exactly!”  He also apologized for the other little lies and that if I gave him the chance, he would try his best to make it up to me in any way he could.  What tha fuck eva!!!!  I told him, that I might call him and if not, I enjoyed the good times and to take care of himself.  He just said that he hopes I do call and if not, he hopes to see me later.  Again, what tha fuck eva!!!  Why is it that you have to get in a man’s ass before he realizes what he’s doing.  Why doesn’t it come before?

I swear I cant wait for Beezie to get home.  The damn boy spoiled the hell out of me and now I compare everyone to him.  Since we quit dealing with each other and just became best friends, he has always said, “Dealing with me will make you force men to up their game and come to you with some real shit, watch!  You will see.”  And sure enough, if you don’t come to me with some real shit, yo ass is gone!!!  I hate when he’s right. 

Dear Diary,

Well…well….well…. Yep, I’m a happy camper.  I had a really good time last night on my date.  He is a real sweetie.  One thing I didn’t particularly care for was you could see that he was trying to impress me.  I don’t really care for that.  I just want you to be yourself and if it is meant to work, it will.  But, he’s young and with time, he will learn to just be himself.  So, that’s not major enough to toss him in the trash.  Anyway, we went to Red Lobster and I had the smoked salmon with shrimp and roasted potatoes.  He had crab legs, lobster, shrimp scampi, French fries, and a virgin strawberry daiquiri.  I called him ghetto for getting lobster and French fries.  I met his family.  They are major cool.  They embarrassed the hell out of him.  They told all of the poor boys business.  I was laughing my ass off.  I thought his mom might freak because of my age, but she seemed cool about it.  I’m 32 and he’s 23.  I just looooooooooove me some younger men.  Call me Roberta Kelly if you wanna, but dammit he’s legal.  One thing he lied about was that he tried to tell me he didn’t curse a lot.  I was like .  I know my potty mouth and knew that would clash.  But when we got around his family, it was shit this, damn that, ass here, fuck that.  I was like and I started poking him on the shoulder and was like….”Ummmmm, ‘cuse me?  I thought you didn’t curse a lot.”  He died laughing and said, “Oh hush!”  I laughed and just said, “See you lying to me already.”  He is somewhat overly affectionate though.  I’m all good for some forms of PDA (public displays of affection), but sometimes he tried to go overboard.  I mean it was kids around and I don’t like to be kissing in front of kids like that.  So I was like .  You could see the rejection of PDA kind of bothered him, but hell that’s just not me, so he’s gonna have to deal with it.  We went back to his house to watch the movies as planned and yep, he was a typical man at first.  I’m not sure if he was trying to see how far he could get with me, but it wasn’t happening.  I reminded him about what we talked about yesterday and told him that he was really fucking up my impression of him.  I told him that So far, I had a very good impression of him and he was finna blow everything and I was finna go and not talk to him anymore.  So, he stopped and moved away from me.  I thought he was mad.  So, I just continued to watch the movie and let him pout.  Later after the movie, he came back over to me and we began to talk and he was acting normal again.  I asked him why he got mad and he said he didn’t get mad, he just had to make himself calm down and the only way to do that was to not touch or look at me.  I don’t believe that shit,  his ass was pouting.  Anyway, I really had a good time and other than a couple of times, he was a true gentleman and extremely attentive and affectionate.  So, overall I had a wonderful time.  One thing he did that impressed me was that when I was leaving, he went to his room for a second and I was finna walk out the door.  He stood behind me and some ear muffs on me.  You know the kind that kind of look like a head band?  That one.  We laughed because I looked like a Mexican gang banger with it on.  I absolutely love thoughtfulness like that.  To me, the big things don’t matter.  I’m a simple person like that.  Yeah you can give me a car, and I’m grateful and thankful and it means a lot, but to consider my ears being cold and you are gonna protect that from happening….priceless.  Yep, I’m a sappy wuss like that.  I might have to keep this one around for a little while.  Or at least until he fucks up. 

Anyway, I gotta go get Beezie’s cologne from the store.  My $20 off coupon expires tomorrow and I gotta use it. So, I gotta go get ready.  Until tomorrow….

Dear Diary,

Well, I gotta write this one early today because I have a date tonight with the sweetie that offered to go get the battery for me the other day and I gotta get the terminal on the battery before then.  I would hate to be out and have to go under the hood.  I feel like this one is a sweetie, but this might be a front to.  When he told me all we were going to do, he was talking some good stuff.  I told him, “Alright, don’t spoil me at first and then stop in the long run.” He laughed and said, “Ut oh, somebody’s been burned from men before huh?”  We both died laughing.  So, after he gets off work, the plan so far is to go to some restaurant that he likes, and to probably get a movie and chill and watch it.  When he offered the movie idea, he wanted to go to the drive-in, but  hell it’s cold outside and we would have to have the heat running in the car and I’m paranoid about carbon monoxide poisoning.  Ok, so that was a lie, I just wanted to get a movie and be comfortable.  He told me to pick the movie and I told him that I really didn’t really care.  I just wanted to talk to him and get to know him a little better.  He likes horror movies.  Ok….wait….hold it….I’m scary as hell.  If you look at me and say “Boo!” unexpected, I will flinch.  Now, when I watch scary movies, I bury my face in the person’s body that I am with.  I don’t care if you are male, female, dog, cat, stuffed animal, pillow…or whatever.  I don’t care, just as long as I’m not being scared.  So, I told him that I would be burying his face and he was like.   “Ah hell yeah then, we are gonna get a scary one.” Then I thought about it for a sec.  I told him, “Look I think you are a sweetheart so far, don’t ruin it by trying something tonight with me.  Ok?”  He was like, “I would never do that.”  I was like “We’ll see.  But just as a warning, if you do, I’m walking out and you will never speak to me again.”  He said, “Well, we don’t have to worry about that.”  I just said, “Ok.”  Naturally, I don’t really believe him, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt.   Anyway, I’m babbling….so, I’ll stop. 

And, even though my legs were hurting this morning, I still got off my duff and got on the elliptical trainer.  I could only do 6 minutes yesterday, but today I did 8 minutes that equaled out to a little over a mile.  Pretty damned good if I say so myself.  And, as soon as I finished, I drank my water.  Boy, when I get back on plan, I do da dayum thang!!!!  I am going to weigh myself today again just because I want to see if I’m doing OK so far this week, or if I need to step it up a notch.  Since I’m not really sure where we are going to eat, I gotta save up enough points to allow for it.  With today being my low point day, it might be a little hard.  So, I’m going to get back on the elliptical trainer again before we go out so that I can earn a few more activity points.  I wish I knew where we were going.  But, since I don’t, I can’t.  Anyway, I’m babbling again, so I gotta go get some stuff done.  Until later….

Dear Diary,

Today was a good day.  I worked out on the elliptical trainer, but I could only do 6 minutes, but at least I did it.  I did a lot of hard cleaning and I went to see my sister get her Bachelor’s degree in Nursing.  She is already and RN and she graduated college tonight.  Wanna see?

That’s her smiling so hard. Isn’t she pretty?  We were so very proud.  We were beaming with pride and oh so ghetto when they called her name.  We were so loud. My mother being the “lady” she is was probably embarrassed, but we did it anyway.  We were so loud.  You know what, I don’t know what it is, but me and my family seem to be getting close now.  And for that I am very thankful.  I mean I go over there and meet with them for Sunday dinner and although they are used to doing it on a regular basis, I am just now beginning to do it.  And, to be honest, it’s really fun.  But the only bad thing is that I had to walk my butt off to get to where she was graduating.  Where we had to park was so very far and I had to pee while walking.  I thought I was gonna pee on myself.  But, luckily I made it.  I’ll write  more about it tomorrow, because my legs are really hurting, but I am just so proud of my sister. 

Dear Diary,

Well today was very adventurous.  I went to the bank to cash my checks and when I came out after waiting in line for damn near 30 minutes, the damn car wouldn’t start.  At first I thought it was my starter messing up, but then I tried to lock the doors and they wouldn’t.  So, then I knew it was my batteries since I have power locks.  So, then I needed a jump.  Well the damn bank was closed then and all the customers were gone.  So, there I was…..stuck!  I called my so-called “Roadside Assistance” club and they said that I only am allotted 5 service calls per year and I had used them all.   Then, they went through the calls because I didn’t make 5 calls.  Three I knew about, but the other 2, I knew I didn’t do.  And when they named them off, the other 2 were from Beezie.  Oh, I instantly got mad.  Why even buy the service if there is a limit on it?  I mean I know it’s business, but they should have called me and told me that I needed to get off my lazy ass and actually read the contract.  So, needless to say, I was really stuck. I called the so-called “men” who called themselves wanting to get to know me better.  Two said they were too far away.  One really was.  He was out of town.  Another said he would be there in an hour.  Another one’s car was in the shop and the other 4 were not at home and don’t have cell phones.  But, they wanna be with me.  If you cant be there when I need you, piss on ya!!!  And for the ones that were not at home, they need to get some damn cell phones.  The only one that I am not upset with are 3 of the guys….the one that was out of town, the one who’s car is in the stop, and the one who doesn’t have a car, but sat there and talked to me the whole time.  He even offered to catch the bus to Auto Zone and bring me a battery and put it on for me.  He is soooooo very sweet.  I didn’t let him do it.  It was just too damn cold outside. Then the bankers came outside and I asked them if they could jump my car off so I could go to get the battery.  One girl was really cool.  It was a lot of women and no one had cables, but she called her brother who is a mechanic and he came and jumped my car off.  He said that it might not be the battery because the cable was real lose, and to go and get it checked out.  So, I did.  I went to Auto Zone and the battery was fine, it was the terminal that I have to have changed.  So, I’m going to have someone fix it in the morning.  Then, I had to go to the post office to mail the bills and the one I was going to had closed by then, so I had to go to the 24 hour post office.  It was cold as hell outside and the post office was packed.  So, after I stayed there for about 20 minutes, I went back outside in the freezing raining cold.  And then, yep, the car wouldn’t start again.  So, I had to get back out of the car and jiggle the cable.  And it still wouldn’t start.  I did it again and it still would do it.  After the forth time, it finally started and I brought my ass home.  So, now, here I am and I have got to get it fixed tomorrow morning because my sister graduates college tomorrow and I gotta be there or I’m going to be dead. 

Well, I’m sleepy and I’ll write again tomorrow.  Until then….