Dear Diary,

Well, I’m feeling a little upset with myself.  I didn’t work out at all yesterday.  I walked around shopping, but I should not just be doing that,  I should be doing at least a tape or the elliptical trainer.  So, I gotta get off my ass and get to gettin’.

I absolutely looooooooove the show Starting Over.  I swear, this is truly my therapy show.  From the first, I have been able to relate to a few people on this show and use what they are going through and relate it to my life and gradually, I am getting better day by day.  Like now, I relate to several ones…

Karen is a costume designer for strippers trying start over by breaking into main stream life.  I can relate to her because I am a seamstress, but more so because she knows how difficult it is to put that part of yourself that you take so much pride in, out there for the world to be able to reject.  A lot of people might not know it, but it is extremely hard for a creative person to open up.  We think of our projects as creations and extensions of ourselves.  And because each and every project is a reflection on us personally, it takes a lot to open yourself up and put yourself up for rejection to world.  If you create something, that’s something so deep within you, you want to protect it and if someone doesn’t like it, as at least one prick always does, it hurts beyond belief, and you want to give up.  I guess deep down, that’s why I don’t put myself out there like I should be.  I know I’m talented with sewing crafts, and crocheting, but I protect it.  Hopefully watching Karen on the show and what she is going through will give me the tools to get off my duff and really get stuff going with my own sewing and crocheting.  I mean sista girl gots skills and I need to be showing them off to everyone freakin’ one I see.  And, I know I will do it, I just need to leap out there on faith and get to going.

Jennifer has control issues and loves everything to go perfect. I can’t relate to this at all. Ok, ok, so I’m totally lying.  Talk to any man in my life and they will tell you, I have MAJOR control issues.  But their opinions don’t count.  Seriously though, I do not like to delegate at all.  I just have to take on everything and do it myself so that it will be perfect and just the way I want it.  I don’t know where the hell this trait came from. Could it be my mother that is the exact same?  My sister’s would get a kick out that statement.  My mother is so damn controlling, that she would have to alphabetize her canned goods so that she could read them perfectly.  And, every label had to be facing the front.  I’m not quite that bad.  But, my control comes in with releasing control of my heart or like if I’m planning a party or something.  No one can do things quite right.  All of a sudden, all the capable, wonderful people become incapable little twits.  So, doing some of her assignments will help me let this go. 

Teresa is a in debt pack rat that is trying to sell her stuff to get out of debt.  I’m in debt too and I am definitely using her assignments to get out of debt, but the most part is the pack rat part of me.  I have shown this with my storage room, but what I haven’t shown is all the junk I have to get ready to sell.  It really makes no sense whatsoever.  And, to top it off, Teresa is going to sell most of her stuff on eBay too.  I’m just gonna learn all over the place. 

But, my favorite right now is PJ.  She is a Mormon dealing with her beliefs and her weight and just plain old trying to find herself.  Now, the dealing with beliefs, I can’t associate with because I know, trust and believe in my Lord and savior.  But, the others, I totally can.  Naturally, my weight because um duh…I’m here.  But the trying to find myself is a biggie for me too.  I don’t feel like I really know me.  I feel like the real me is somewhere below all of this extra weight.  I feel like the real me is even more confident than I already am.  I feel like the real me is more patient.  I feel like the real me really is more self loving than I am now.  And, I’ve got to find me.  In time, I know I will. Although I know weight loss is a big thing and it’s very hard, it’s actually a very small part of the whole me.  And I am in desperate search of the real me.  And PJ’s assignments and seeing what she’s going through and doing some of them myself will allow me to begin to find myself.  Like today, she has to go through a maze as sort of a “self reflection” type thing.  I know I can’t do that because we don’t have one here in Atlanta, but she has to wear things that she can really relate to.  When Karen was trying to find something that meant a lot to her, she said she knew she would be wearing a ring.  She went and got the ring and told what it was about.  It was a promise ring she bought for herself.  Her ring meant that she would stay a virgin until she got married.  I thought about a ring that I already bought for myself that I don’t really wear yet and how it can be my promise ring to myself that I will be true to myself and do what is best for me, thus being better for Jae.  For some reason, that ring thing struck a nerve with me and it actually can be a very powerful tool to my success.  Sort of like marrying myself.  This is why I love this show.  I can really relate to these women.  Now, I gotta go write my vows to myself.